Chelsea 2 – 0 Arsenal
Lowly Arsenal had no answer to the rampaging beast that is Didier Drogba as Chelsea comfortably returned to the top of the table after this men against boys encounter. Carlo Ancelotti singled out John Terry’s ‘fantastic attitude’ after his impressive display against Arsenal, clearly having not ready a newspaper any time recently.
Man Utd 5 – 0 Portsmouth
Wayne Rooney, England’s best footballer, now has 23 goals this season, 21 of which haae come in 24 games in the Premier League, where he has scored nine in his last seven appearances. He was outdone by Pompey in this game, though, as they somehow concocted three own goals. I guess the Portsmouth players would do anything to get on the score sheet.
Tottenham 0-0 Aston Villa
A study has shown that shorter players tend to get the backing of officials while taller players are penalised, so it’s no Peter Crouch’s fault he’s crap after all.
Birmingham City 2 – 1 Wolves
Big Kevin Phillips scored two late goals as Birmingham came from behind to win the West Midlands derby. Is it just me or does Kevin Philips have a better chance of making it to the England squad than Micheal Owen?
Bolton 0 – 0 Fulham
Big Kevin Davies looked like he’d grabbed victory for Bolton in the last minute at The Reebok, only for the referee Mark Clattenburg to harshly rule out his close-range header from Lee Chung-Yong’s free kick because of a push.
Stoke 3 – 0 Blackburn
Stoke City’s joy at a comfortable 3-0 victory was utterly overshadowed and Blackburn Rovers were left shocked and saddened by the death of one their supporters at the stadium.
Sunderland 1 – 1 Wigan
Sunderland have now gone 11 Premier League games without a win.
Burnley 2 – 1 West Ham
Burnley,with the Premier League’s smallest budget, beat them a West Ham team who suddenly boast attacking riches but not too much at the back.
Liverpool 1 – 0 Everton
The 213th Merseyside derby duly confirmed Liverpool and Everton are both crap. The Merseyside Derby remains the ugliest in world football.
Hull 2 – 1 Man city
Wayne Bridge was back in action for Man City with his manager urging him to put recent events behind him. Fat lot of good it did city, who capitulated to another lame defeat.
Increasingly middle-aged and increasingly disillusioned by modern football, I want to share with you how good football used to be before it was ruined by money. 
